Why Deal Cocaine

If I were a coke dealer I would definitely wear a bigger earring. It would be a gold hoop about half an inch wide, and I’d probably get the other ear pierced too, like the boss in Pulp Fiction, crazy old Maurice. I would keep my drugs in my office and I would meet people on bike to drop it off, or have them come to meet me in my house. I would have a weapon, possibly a machete or a gun if I could get one. Let’s be honest, if you’re dealing cocaine, having a gun is what you need to protect yourself and give you the heft and confidence to let people know not to fuck with you, even if they didn’t know you had a weapon. I wouldn’t intend to shoot anyone, it would really just be a way to back up my talk, to show people that I’m crazy old Maurice, and if they really want to roll they’re going to have to call an army. Of course it would never get to that point. I wouldn’t sell to people who I didn’t know through a reliable source, just wouldn’t, that’s how it has to be or else you risk getting into some deep shit, and as Biggie told us it’s crucial to follow the rules you set for yourself. The ten crack commandments are generally applicable but they are ultimately the rules Biggie set for himself and knew he had to adhere to in order to keep it real.

I would keep my operation small and ensure that I didn’t cut it down with baby laxative, I’d rather sell less for more than the other way around. And when people know you have weak coke that diminishes your reputation for being a bad mother. Inevitably you wind up doing your coke when you deal coke. Like drinking espresso as a barista, you have to know your product, how good this batch is compared to the normal stuff. So there’s that to consider. But really, being a coke dealer is a platform to becoming a professional DJ, it’s the only way you can really be taken seriously. Dealing coke gives you the confidence to take a girl’s shirt in your hands and pull it over her head, thereby exposing her tits to a loftful of people. It’s a dick move, but no one’s going to say anything, they’re just going to fear you a little bit as someone with a skewed sense of morality who’s not to be fucked with. And what with subjective morality these days, it’s really not that bad to be viewed as somewhat crazy to get people not to fuck with you.

Because anyone with a 9 to 5 can’t be that badass. I mean, sure you can work as a designer at Levi’s or as a CFO at a startup in Chelsea but, like, I’m not going to be afraid of you. No, you’d have to be a coke dealer for me to be afraid of you. Not like I’m actually planning to deal coke. I mean, I’m a writer, not a DJ.

By Daniel Ryan Adler

Daniel Adler writes fiction and nonfiction and is finishing his MFA at University of South Carolina.

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